What constitutes “hot?” Is it looks? Talent? Cultural obsessions? Is it just plain personal opinion? Inspired by an argument held today on my Facebook page about Channing Tatum being titled the #1 Sexiest Man in the World by People Magazine, I have been asked to dive into the world of “controversial sexy celebrities,” for my Hump Day Havoc entry.
To begin this quest, I searched deep within myself for celebs that I often guffaw at the mention of them being considered “sexy.” Item A: Patrick Dempsey. Why in the good lord’s name is he considered such a sex icon. He kind of looks like an Animorph that converts into a rat, but he got stuck half way through his transformation. And Lord knows his work on Grey’s Anatomy didn’t make my hormones do a backflip. Item B: Kristen Stewart. Why, oh why, oh WHY does this blob keep getting cast when her face looks like it’s been wiped down with a moldy sponge, her acting is as exciting as watching fruit flies have sex, and her voice sounds like the squeak of the ceiling fan in a catholic church during a summer mass when the air conditioning is broken. Never. I will never understand. C: Miley Cyrus. I’m sorry, but when did 13 become the new “she’s legal, put her on a strip pole?” Are we back in the Middle Ages when men of 80 could hoot and holler over the local tween who’s had her first period? People, I pray we have become more cultured and can at least wait until a woman (or man) can legally smoke a cigarette after the fantasies in your wet dreams have come to a close.
Granted, Kristen and Miley are two very obvious candidates, and perhaps some of you may be questioning my judgment of “sexy” from my remarks on Mc(barely)Dreamy. But I digress. I told you these personal opinions because I want you to know- I am coming into this with opinions. Be ready to hear them and be ready to give me high fives or looks of disdain as I pump up or tear down your favorite and least favorite celebrity hotties.
I began my investigation by reaching out to friends, colleagues, and cast mates asking the ever important questions, “Who is your #1? Who is your free pass?” The answers varied all across the board, but with many of the typical, “Brad Pitt with long greasy hair,” and, “Angelina Jolie- her lips don’t make sense!” (Interesting that the top two most obvious answers are raising half of Africa together right now… I wonder if they’re each other's “free pass” as well). These conversations often led to someone looking at another person in the dialogue and righteously shouting, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” This includes myself. Some names that begged these reactions include Sandra Bullock, Johnny Depp, and Helen Mirren. As I collected the names and engaged in the conversations, I was able to begin to group some of the “controversial hotties” into some very specific categories. They are as follows:
1) Why the Long Face? Erm, I mean, Horse Face?
| Taylor Swift riding herself. |
The “horse face” is a phrase that has been used over and over again to be the closing argument for why certain “hotties” are NOT HOT. What is the “horse face” you ask? Well, as far as I can tell, it is a (usually) woman who has a longer face, decently larger nose, and big eyes. The perfect example of the classic “horse face” is (everyone together now) Sarah Jessica Parker. Who can forget the classic Family Guy portrayal of this Sex in the City lead? Others in this category (by a very small survey) include Taylor Swift, Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, and Anne Hathaway. Granted, all these women look dramatically different- but when given the question, “who has a horse face?” these were the answers provided. Also, I happen to think a majority of them are attractive, but, oh, how you will get a rise out of someone who views Julia
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| I'll place my bet on Miss Congeniality. |
Roberts as the greatest black hole in cinematic history. I’ve seen people literally throw their hands in the air, roll their eyes, and squirm in discomfort at the statement that Pretty Woman is someone’s favorite movie.
So what makes these Horse Faces so attractive? My conclusion- deep down in the subconscious of the souls of all of us who find a Horse Face attractive actually dream of making love to a horse. I’m sorry you sick, sick fools, but you’ve all got Equus Syndrom. Why else would someone want to “do” Taylor Swift? This clears up a lot of questions I had about Alan Strang.
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| Which one's SJP? |
2) Are they really sexy, or is their character sexy?
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| McBarf. |
Ooooookay people, let’s get real for a second. I hate Patrick Dempsey, but did you notice that the second he became an international SEX icon was when he was claimed “McDreamy” in Grey’s Anatomy? Coincidence? I think not. So let’s talk about this, is it Patrick Dempsey who is attractive… or is it McDreamy? Personally- I say both are pitiful excuses for men (go ahead, prepare the rotten fruit), but women and gay men all across the world suddenly wanted a check up on Dr. Shepherd’s exam table of love. Granted, there is always the argument that his “early to mid 90s stuff was genius!” Sure, okay, so back in the day- were you attracted to Patrick Dempsey or the character he was playing? (Granted, I don’t think he is capable of creating a character… but I’ll shut up about it now) Food for thought.
| Merry Christmas, I brought you lice. |
Another CLASSIC example for this category is, of course, Johnny Depp- or should I say, Captain Jack Sparrow. “Oh goodness, yes, ravage me with your alcohol breath, dreads crawling with dung beetles, and salty body odors- I am so hot right now.” First of all, I don’t get this one either, but I will say- I love Captain Jack Sparrow. I’m kind of over him and don’t care to see any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies made ever again, but for the trilogy Johnny made a memorable and hilarious character. Now of course the question begs, will anyone ever remember his genius Edward Scissor Hands or dreadful Willy Wonka? Will Johnny ever be considered sexy again- or will it always be Captain Jack in the misty fantasies of your dreams? A big piece of me is convinced he has officially established his archetype for any dress up games he’ll play in bed for the rest of his life.
Others in this category could include Harrison Ford’s Han Solo, Jennifer Aniston’s Rachel, Robert Pattinson’s Edward (barf), and Gabourey Sidibe’s Precious.
3) The Mystery of the “Butter Face”
Okay, here’s where I start throwin’ ‘boes because my #1, my free pass, has always been spat back in my face as a “Butter Face.” If you don’t know what a “Butter Face,” is, it’s an individual that when you look at them you say, “Oh, yeah, everything’s workin’ for them Butter Face.”
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| Channing Tatyum. |
Since the first day I admitted Channing Tatum was my #1, I have always been told, “Yeah, he’s got a nice body, but his face is just so ugly.” First of all- no. His face is soft and strong at the same time, his eyes are gorgeous, and all I want to do is suck his lips right off his face. So shut up.
Okay, emotional investment aside, how does someone who is often claimed a “Butter Face,” get ranked #1 on the sexiest men in the world list? Do his abs and shoulder freckles really do that much work for him? Maybe people are so mesmerized by his dancing in Step Up that everyone forgets to look at his face. Or maybe it’s because body is more important than faces when it comes to sexy. Does it?
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| He's listening to whale mating calls. |
To answer that, I suppose we would have to interview a million people on what part of the body comes into their minds when they hear the word, “sexy.” And honestly, I think everyone would lie and say, “eyes,” because they would be worried about the reaction they would get if they told the truth- which is more likely to be, “ass,” or, “boobs,” or, “abs,” or, “a bulging package.” This is because you look shallow when you say this is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “sexy.” But remember remove one letter and you’ve got the root of the adjective- “sex.” Lord knows there is more to look at than eyes…
So who else might fall into this category? Some other recommendations include Ryan Reynolds, Michael Phelps (um, duh), and Ryan Lochte (and pretty much any other Olympic swimmer). Interesting too that it is mostly men who are considered “Butter Faces.” Hm…
4. The Red Headed Phenomenon, or, The Soul Snatchers
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| A young Ron Howard. |
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| This is supposed to be Emma Stone. |
Where did this begin and how did we go from “lacking souls” to possessing our hearts? My thoughts: Because red heads lack souls, they have the perturbing ability to suck our souls into them just by us looking at them. Once our souls are in them they plant a little seed of crimson love into the potting soil of our soul and then spat them back into our heart where we suddenly develop a fire in our crotch.
5. Wait, Am I Allowed to Think They’re Sexy?!
Let’s talk age. What’s the rule of thumb? The youngest you can go for is half your age plus 7 years and the oldest being twice your age minus 7 years? I feel like I heard that somewhere. So how do some celebrities that are SO FAR outside our age range get onto our lists? Let’s start with the obvious- the WAY TOO YOUNG category.
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| Werk it Hannah. |
The most obvious, that we are all thinking of (and I already mentioned), is, of course, Hannah Montana, or Miley Cyrus for anyone who refuses to acknowledge Disney’s existence in this world. There is video of her literally dancing on a strip pole at a concert where the average age in attendance was 9 ½. She’s been on the cover of tons of magazines, usually in outfits that make you go, “wait, do you even have your license yet?!” Everyone seems to want to blame her father for selling her as a sex slave, but it’s pretty obvious he is not the only brains behind the operation, nor the only one invested in soliciting her as “sexy.” It seems like ET, Hollywood, and every magazine aimed at making teen girls anorexic find her a tween goddess. I don’t get it, but it seems that lonely 40-year-old men all over the nation are not complaining.
Others in the “they’re too young!” category include Hayden Penettiere, Brooke Shields in her youngin’ days, NPH as Doogie Howser, and any Olympic gymnast from any country ever in the history of the sport.
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| Ride that ass, Judy! |
Now on the opposite side- the “they could be my grandfather, but I’d make his bifocals steam,” group. This side seems to be a little less “judgy” in the sense of it being a legitimate wrong-doing to desire someone older- but nonetheless there is always one in the crowd that goes, “ewe, gross, they have, like, grey pubes, I guarantee it.” So let’s sort this out.
This list could include any of the following: Dame Judy Dench, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Sean Connery, Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, Robin Williams, Alan Rickman, Robert Carlyl, George Clooney, and the list could go on and on. Some of you may be saying, “oh come on, some of those people aren’t even that old.” But the thing to remember is that there are some high schoolers who still swoon over George Clooney. I’m sorry, but that’s a bit odd.
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| Smize. |
So is it acceptable to get your kicks watching Meryl Streep shamble around as a decrepit Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady? Or is it strange to swoon a bit as Michael Gambon casts a spell with his salt and pepper hair blowing in the wind? It seems not, and I think this is because there is this “40 is the new 30” trend going on. Especially with women. I think there is a generation of Hollywood that sees their position on the “top sexies” list dwindle every year and so they have created a pact to keep telling everyone they are still sexy so we can look at them and say, “oh yeah, they’re still sexy!” I think Joan Rivers is the leader of this advocacy group (when will she give up?).
Although, this group will always have experience on their side- oh, the places they could take you…
6. The Lost Ones
Okay, this final category I’ll spend time digressing on is the “lost” group. These are the celebrities who used to be at the tippy top of the sexy list and somewhere down the road they just fell off the cliff, got beaten back and forth between ugly sticks and cray-cray bats, and somehow lived to walk back into the spotlight and say, “I’m Britney, bitch.”
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| Brit's Back... to eat you!!! |
Obviously the first example is Britney Spears. I know I’m going to upset Stacey Renner by saying this, but let’s be honest, is she sexy anymore? Is she back? Or do we all still see flashes of bald Britney from the “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” phase? She certainly can’t move like she used to- and this was definitely one of the big things she had going for her. She can’t sing like she used to, and the beauty of her music is that it WASN’T obviously auto-tuned. She isn’t creating a Crossroads II any time soon, and let’s be honest, that was the peak of the Brit Fit. And yet, people still put Britney on the top of their list for sexiest celebrities they dream about on the daily.
Who else would be on this list? Well, of course, Lindsay Lohan, the goddess of train wrecks. She has been trying to revive her career and sexy stamina with appearances on Glee, Saturday Night Live, and maybe movies? I don’t know, it’s not worth my time to Google her.
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| You're the one that I want? |
There’s also John Travolta, who I dream of going back to the 70s and 80s to watch him dance and sing, but today is the king of poor dye jobs. He has grey hair, we all know it, but he insists on painting his hair black and in a short buzz. The dreams of yesteryear linger in the loins of every grandmother, but he has certainly lost his touch.
Then there is Tom Cruise, who dramatically dropped in the sexy list when he started controlling Katie Holmes with his space powers and summoning the aliens of galaxy X9-352 to help him have a child. Let’s be honest, he’s hopped the loony train out of this world and I don’t think he’s ever coming back.
And then, of course, there are celebrities who just kind of fell off the face of the earth, like Jessica Simplson, the Olsen Twins, and Amanda Bynes. I mean, you can’t really blame the Olsen Twins… they never actually disappeared; they were just standing sideways for a few years.
Some other categories that we could also talk about include:
Talent Vs. Looks
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| Robert without his sparkles. |
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| Jizz in your pants. |
Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner for some talentless examples, or Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg as some looks-lacking examples
The New Wave
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| I'm done with puberty, I promise! |
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| Who wants a bite? |
Some Call it Fat-Some Call it Curvy
| Who run this mother? |
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| Haters gonna hate. |
(Beyonce, Tyra Banks, and Adele)
The String Beans
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| Now you see me, now you don't! |
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| I almost got blown away in the gust of 2003. |
(Victoria Beckham, Keira Knightley, Mischa Barton)
SEX vs. Sexy
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| The truth behind the makeup. |
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| Don't worry, I've only made out with 12 other girls today. |
I could keep going, but a guy only has so much time to stay up late and banter on about shallow subjects such as this. I’m already way past my bedtime.
In closing, we’ve all got our #1, we’ve all got our free pass. If we all had the same #1, this world would be the most boring place ever. So I beg of you, ask someone what their #1 is today, and if it is someone you think is butt-ugly or completely unfuckable, spat in their face and tell them how big of an idiot they are. It’s the American way. God bless.
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