(Lights come up on a child’s
bedroom, the wallpaper water stained and pealing, the wooden floor scratched
and covered in gouges, broken toys scatter the floor- dolls missing eyes, a
rocking horse with a broken leg, jack-in-the-box with a smashed box, etc., the
bed disheveled and faded with SHAE, a woman in her late 20s/early 30s sleeping
in it, wearing a child’s dress. There is a cradle in the corner with paint
peeling off its frame, knocked over on the ground with its contents spilled
across the floor. Everything feels
almost in a black and white or sepia tone. A slight flog rolls across the scene as SHAE rises from the
bed.)
SHAE
It was my seventh birthday when I learned what it means to
hate. The fire that burns in your
eyes when you finally have the chance to release your fury. The way your skin crawls as your body
takes over your mind and your heart twists itself into a knot. The way your mouth snarls and growls as
it tears hope from everything alive.
It was my seventh birthday when I learned what it means to hate. There are days I wake wishing I’d never
seen what I’d seen, felt what I’d felt, but I was young and the ability to hate
was so strong- because I didn’t know the repercussions of hate. I didn’t know how the feelings could be
planted in one heart and spread like a virus killing everything in its path. I didn’t know how much pain could come
from hate. I didn’t know how much
hatred could destroy my life. His
life. All our lives.
(Lights shift as SHAE makes her
way into her bed. The toys are
pulled into a toy box, the cradles turned upright with all its contents
replaced, the bed made. The scene
is given life.)
SHAE
When I was six and a half I lost the attention of my
parents.
(Spotlight comes up on the cradle,
the sound of a crying baby overpowers the stage. SHAE attempts to talk over the screams.)
Sammy was born.
And hooooolyyyyyyy craaaaaaaaap was he a crier. All day, every day, screams on top of
screams on top of screams.
(The
scream is cut off)
And I was lucky enough to share a room with him. Big sis Shae will be able to take care
of little Sammy, give him his pacifier, shake little rattles over his head, and
stick the bottle in his mouth in the middle of the night when mom and dad were
busy in the bedroom doing God knows what with no time to come out and tend to
him themselves.
(MOM enters SL, wrapping a silk
robe around her in a fury to cover her body, stands almost unnaturally, as if
she’s talking to the audience and not SHAE.)
MOM
For Christ’s sake Shae, can you please help out here?! We don’t ask much of you and you’ve
gotten to be at school all day.
Mommy is tired, just please give him a toy or something to distract him.
(MOM
exits.)
SHAE
Don’t think I got to get away with diapers either.
(SHAE moves over to the cradle
pantomimes finding SAMMY there.)
Oh god, little man.
How is something so small capable of making something so deadly?!
(SHAE
changes his diaper.)
You see, at age six and a half I suddenly lost my
childhood. I went from being the
baby of the house to the lady of the house. Some nights were worse than others.
(Spotlight rises on crib, the
light almost pulsating with the screams that begin to rise out of the
crib. SHAE stand over the crib
doing everything she can to make the crying stop: offering pacifiers, rattles,
toys, blankets, etc. Enter DAD SR
in his boxers, standing unnaturally toward the audience.)
DAD
Would you please shut that little shit up already?! I’ve got to get up for work in three
hours. I’ve barely slept a wink
tonight Shae. Would you do something already?!
(The crying fades as DAD
exits. The lights even out as SHAE
steps DSC, sitting cross legged and holding a broken doll.)
SHAE
It wasn’t easy for a little girl to stay a little girl with
so much pressure on her shoulders.
I couldn’t just ignore it or else I’d never sleep from the crying… and I
didn’t want to know what mom or dad would do to me. My teachers started asking me why my hair was never fixed
when I went to school or why I was falling asleep during class. He even called my house one day.
(MOM
enters SL, phone in hand.)
MOM
Yes, I understand. / No, I don’t know what’s gotten into
her. She is always so lively here
at the house. / Yes, I suppose it could be the new baby. You know, if you ask me, I think she’s
jealous of how much more attention we give the new baby than her. / Oh yes,
we’ve read all the books and we are making sure to still give her the
specialized attention she needs, but the baby is a lot of work and I think she
doesn’t see how much time we need to give our new little one. / Yes, I agree, I
think it will just take a little time to adjust. / Thank you for calling, bye
now.
(MOM
hangs up the phone.)
SHAE!
(MOM storms off SL as SHAE hides
under her blankets.
SHAE
That was not a good day. That was a bad day.
A very bad day. That was a
day that I learned what it means to hurt.
(SHAE removes the blanket, lifting
up the sleeves on her dress to reveal huge bruises.)
I learned that sometimes people you love, that you rely on,
can hurt you.
But it wasn’t always so bad. Some days were great!
Some days we went to the beach.
(Enter MOM SL and DAD SR. MOM in a bikini, DAD in his
trunks. They each lay out a towel
and sit down, DAD sipping on a beer.)
MOM
Shae, take your brother out to the waters edge! Be careful with him though, don’t let
him wash away! Hahaha!
DAD
Shae, come over here with me and build a sand castle! We’ll make a mote and landscape with
seaweed. Bring your brother, he
can pat out the courtyard. Hurry!
(SHAE sits smiling, hugging her
doll. MOM and DAD exit stage.)
SHAE
Some days were great.
Some days were beautiful.
But those were days. Those
were times the sun was out, the breeze was blowing, and I put on my
sundress. But when the sun went
down, everything fell into a downward spiral. The darkness of night took over and suddenly Sammy wasn’t
happy again, mom and dad were busy, and I was in charge.
(Crying begins, SHAE runs to the
crib, picks up SAMMY, and begins rocking him in her arms. The crying settles.)
SHAE
It started turning into Sammy only being silenced when I
held him. He only felt comfortable
in my arms. We had a
connection. We knew we only had
each other at night. Mom and dad
would never be there for us. It
was just the two of us, Sammy and I.
(SHAE sets Sammy down in his
crib. She returns to bed. She sleeps for a moment, wakes up with
a start- she’s had a nightmare.
She runs for SL, for MOM.)
Mom, mommy!
Wake up, I think there’s a man coming into my bed room. I saw him while I was sleeping, he
tried coming in through the window, he had a knife in his hand. He wanted to cut the bottom of my feet
so I couldn’t run away.
(MOM
sleepily shuffles in from SL.)
MOM
Shae, go to bed.
It was a nightmare. Grow up
and learn to deal with problems on your own.
(MOM shuffles off stage as SHAE
nervously makes her way to the crib.)
SHAE
We only had each other.
(SHAE picks up SAMMY and sits on
the edge of the bed.)
On those nights I held him in my arms, used his blanky to
absorb my tears, and some nights had him sleep in bed with me.
(SHAE
falls asleep. MOM enters SL)
MOM
Shae, wake up, it’s time for school— what in the hell are
you doing?! Are you insane?! SHAE, YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HIM! Never, never, NEVER put Sammy in bed
with you. Jesus Christ, I’ve bore an idiot.
(Exit
MOM SL)
SHAE
It hurt. It
hurt a lot when I messed up. I
didn’t know. I’d try and tell mom
I didn’t know, but it didn’t matter.
I had failed. I’d shift my
way to school disheveled and tired, I was losing my friends.
(SHAE slings a backpack over her
shoulders, stands CS. VOICES begin
echoing around stage overlapping into an overwhelming mix of sounds.)
VOICE 1
Ewe, she smells!
VOICE 2
What’s wrong with her hair?
VOICE 3
Why is she always falling asleep in class?
VOICE 1
I saw her drooling on her Math book yesterday!
VOICE 2
Don’t sit next to me!
VOICE 3
Don’t swing next to me!
VOICE 1
Don’t stand next to me!
VOICE 2
Don’t touch my toys!
VOICE 3
Go away!
VOICE 1
Go away!
VOICE 2
Go away!
(SHAE
flops on her bed.)
SHAE
I knew it was his fault. I was tired because he cried. My clothes were dirty because he puked on them. My hair was messy because he pulled on
it. I started to despise his every
being.
(The lights go down, the crying
begins, SHAE moves to the crib.)
SHAE
Come on bud, it’s my birthday. Just let me sleep for my birthday. Please. Shut
up. SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! Don’t you ever shut up? What is wrong with you?!
(Enter MOM SL and DAD SR, SHAE is
scrambling to do everything she can to make him stop.)
MOM
Shae, would you please make him stop?!
DAD
Every night, every stupid night! Shae, get your lazy butt out of bed and do something.
SHAE
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what you want. Your diaper is clean.
You’ve thrown away every toy I’ve given you. You kick off every blanket I put on you. You won’t keep your pacifier in your
mouth. What do you want from
me?! I can’t sleep. None of us can sleep! Just
shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
(SHAE flips the crib, the contents
go flying everywhere. Everything
falls silent. SHAE is still. MOM and DAD run in. They stare in awe. No one knows what to say. No one knows what to do.)
MOM
Shae…
DAD
What have you done?
(MOM and DAD slowly exit as SHAE
makes her way down to the mess that has spilled out of the crib. She collapses.)
SHAE
I hated him. At
that moment, I hated him. He
flew. He just flew out of the
crib. His little body helpless as
it weightlessly floated through the air, crashed to the ground, and rolled
across the floor. He was like a
stuffed animal just floating. I
knew it the second I let the crib go, I knew it. Everything would change. Mom and Dad would change. I would change.
Our house would change. My
life would change.
(The lights return to the
sepia/black and white tone. The
fog returns.)
The next day some people came and took me away. I only saw my Mom and Dad in the
courtroom, but I wasn’t allowed to talk to them. I was put in a house with other children taken from their
families. I was watched every
second of the day. I stopped
talking. I slipped into a fog. I never fell asleep without seeing
this. This picture right
here. The spilled crib, the
disheveled bed, a decaying childhood I lost in a fury of rage. I’m stuck.
They tell me I’m 32.
I don’t feel 32. I feel
like I’m 7. I feel like it was
yesterday. I feel like Mom and Dad
are going to come back and get me.
They’re going to change.
Tell me they love me. Tell
me Sammy’s okay. Tell me this time
we’ll be happy. Not just during
the day, but all the time. I feel
like I’m 7. I wish I was 7.
(The lights fade as SHAE moves up
to her bed, pulls the covers over her shoulders, and tries to fall asleep.)
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